blind trust, communication, Compassion, competency, consistency, consistent, dependability, distrust, emotional and spiritual healing, Faith, family, Forgiveness, God, hope, learning and personal development, life, living in the Spirit, love, reliability, self-awareness for personal growth, spiritual abuse, Spiritual Growth, spiritual healing, spiritually mature, trust, truth

Trust, distrust and blind trust: rebuilding faith and hope

Over recent weeks, in my healing journey, I have been examining my relationship with trust. It first came to my attention when I looked at my business decisions, especially mistakes that I have made over the past 20 years. But, in recent days, I noticed a pattern emerge.

The beauty of recognising patterns of behaviour is that it opens the door for change and transformation. What I’ve noticed is a swinging pendulum in my life between distrust and blind trust. This pattern has cost me thousands of dollars, as well as relationships and creating heartbreak.

It is in seeing my actions and omissions accurately that the doors open.

The truth sets us free.

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free, John 8:32

Let me provide you with some concrete examples: 

  1. In my early business days, I hired a friend to run one of my companies. Because I was overwhelmed and swamped with the growth in business and hiring new staff, I failed to supervise her properly. She was struggling in getting everything done, and I wasn’t available to support her. I didn’t ask how things were going, instead choosing to focus exclusively on my own overwhelm. Unfortunately, while she was getting the client work done, she wasn’t invoicing the client for it! By the time I realised the mess in accounts receivable and payable, the client had accrued some $40,000.00 in services they hadn’t paid for. Thankfully, the client eventually paid all outstanding invoices. But it took years to get fully up to date, and I bore the financial brunt of being caught between suppliers and financing a client. When I’m overwhelmed, I shut down, dissociate from the present, and turn to blind trust. 
  2. In March 2009, I left on holiday for three weeks to New Zealand. I chose the dates based on the weather (end of summer) and flight costs (cheaper because summer holidays were over and it wasn’t yet Easter). I was overwhelmed and exhausted after restructuring staff following the 2008 markets crash. Unfortunately, March 31st is the end of tax season – which meant that my company tax returns were prepared and presented in my absence. The company accountant and external accountants included a refundable expense in “income”, an extra $54,000 in ghost income! As a result, my income tax bill that year was $27,000.00 when it should have been less than $9,000.00. But, you prepay taxes for the next year, based on the estimates of what you paid the previous year! So, not only was I hit with the current tax bill, but my estimated taxes for the next year were identical, giving me a tax credit for years to come. My blind trust created a substantial financial pinch. 

I could provide you with many more examples in my professional life where I have distrusted, micro-managed and controlled every aspect of an employee’s performance, to those moments where I am overwhelmed and shut down, leading to no involvement or supervision at all.

Definitions

definition of trust, Oxford Languages, firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something
definition of Trust

Trust = firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

distrust, feeling that someone or something cannot be relied upon, doubt the honest or reliability of, regard with suspicion, definitions from Oxford Languages
definition of Distrust

Distrust = the feeling that someone or something cannot be relied upon.

Blind faith or blind trust: “unquestioning belief in something, even when it’s unreasonable or wrong”. I take it to mean “trust in spite of evidence to the contrary” or blindly ignoring evidence that perhaps they are undeserving of your complete trust.

trauma, state of mind, overwhelmed, shut down, freeze, dissociation, present moment, avoidance, blind faith, trust, firm belief, distrust

How trauma informs our state of mind

Unfortunately, this pattern is not something I learned as an adult, and I’ve been using this pattern since early childhood. When I get overwhelmed, the easiest solution is to shut down and freeze, and this takes me into dissociation from the present moment and avoidance. In these cases, blind faith and trust in others become the only option, and I can’t trust myself. 

Hypervigilance at the other end of the pendulum presents itself as distrust, micro-managing every situation as I attempt to control the outcome. Of course, this is exhausting, making me angry (an emotion that I was taught not to acknowledge as a child) and frustrated. To avoid anger, I would rebound into dissociation and shut down.  

I never learned how to stay in the middle: in balance, calm and being alert. I struggle on so many levels with trust, and this shows up in my life on every level: 

  • personal 
  • interpersonal 
  • professional 
  • spiritual 

I could choose to sit in victimhood: “this is how I am, because of my childhood“. But I choose not to. I started to look at my patterns as generative learning – an opportunity to grow and change. And I share these learnings with you, because I want you to recognise that you have options and choices available to you.

As I have begun to experience inner peace, the wisdom of trust has become available.  

The human experiences that break trust, building distrust

Years ago, I denied being traumatised at boarding school because I wasn’t regularly beaten and abused. Anger and speaking up would earn you a beating, being labelled a Jezebel, or having a rebellious spirit.

I avoided beatings by being “a good girl”, knowing when to shut my mouth and swallowing any anger I felt. The survival skills I learned were to shut down, dissociate, and walk away. Unfortunately, those skills are not very resourceful and helpful in my life anymore.

There are many moments that I wish I were rebellious, angry & unruly. How I wish I had been the wild child that baulked the system and stood up against injustices, daring to question unfair authority. Instead, I chose the safety and security of apathy, withdrawal and indifference.
Unfortunately, as an adult, I still struggle with dealing with my anger, boundaries and injustice. As a lawyer, it’s easy to stand up for others. But I shrink instead of standing up for myself. I avoid confrontations of a personal nature, even when they would clear the air.

Through it all, I am entrenched in my independence. Of course, as I know now – hyper-independence is merely a symptom of trauma: unable to ask for help because I can’t trust others. Can I even trust myself?

Taught to obey Church leaders without question:

We had verses drummed into us, which in themselves were not wrong. But was the interpretation of these verses rightly applied?

Obey your leaders and submit to them, Hebrews, Romans, Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God

Under no circumstances were we, children, to question those in authority because they were “appointed by God”. And if God wanted to remove them for wrongdoing, then it was merely our duty to “pray about it” rather than to do anything.

Remind them to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good deed, Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment, Romans, Titus,

Even the hymns we sang reminded us that we were to “Trust and Obey” rather than stand up for ourselves or others. Helplessness was ingrained, and anything that was not as it “should be” was “God’s will”, and we were to endure it.

Biblical teachings: the human heart

But that wasn’t the only weapon in the arsenal of submission. In reading the below verses, repeatedly we heard: “The heart is deceitful above all things”. Divine Justice prevailing, to each according to their ways, patterns and actions received little mention. Instead, beatings were justified because our hearts were deceitful.

Those in power were above all of that.

The heart is deceitful above all things, devious & incurably sick.  But I - the Eternal One - probe the innermost heart & the innermost thoughts. I compensate & repay justly - how they really are, not how they pretend to be - to each according to their ways, patterns & actions, Jeremiah 17: 9-10

How can I trust myself if I believe that my heart is deceitful? What relationship or trust can I build with others if they are devious and incurably sick in their hearts?

If you question what I am telling you, you lack faith. Instead, you should “pray about it” and “trust God” to solve this for you.

If the prevalent attitude about human nature is one of sin and depravity, then there is no trust.

Maureen Murdock, “The Heroine’s Journey”

Divide and conquer has worked for centuries, both within the church and politics, and it’s as quickly at work today as it always has been. Even today, we hear who to distrust and then expected to place blind trust in authority.

But blind faith means that you have no ownership of your spiritual path or will. It relieves you of responsibility, creating victimhood. And victims are powerless, easy to manipulate.

I am so grateful for learning a new way: what it means to have a healthy trust.

trust, blind trust, distrust, integrity, benevolence, ability, competence, character, caring, credibility, reliability, intimacy, self-orientation, communication, compassion, caring, consistency, competency,
Trust

Trusting Divine Presence, trusting myself & trusting others

As much as I would like to say that my journey back to trust began with trusting Divine Presence in my life, that’s not the truth of my journey. My transformation started with an exploration of self-awareness for personal growth, and spiritual healing occurred after learning and personal development.

The first step back to trust was:

Know thyself.

In noticing my patterns of distrust and blind trust, I could explore what healthy trust means. Emotional and spiritual healing have come together as I worked with forgiveness of myself and others.

My trust in the Divine grows as I let go of my need to micro-manage and control every tiny detail. And in living in the Spirit, I trust my insight and intuition to build relationships with others.

What does it mean to trust me, others and Divine Presence?

Divine Presence, the elements of trust, apathy, withdrawal, dissociation, distrust, blind faith, blind trust, healthy trust

The elements of trust

Trust is not something we do from a place of apathy, withdrawal or dissociation. It is active and engaged: trust requires relaxed courage, curiosity, and calm presence. 

According to Grant Soosalu & Marvin Oka, in their book mBraining, they identify the four elements of trust (learning to trust yourself):  

  • Communication
  • Compassion
  • Consistency
  • Competency

Other authors and writers similarly identify the basic requirements of trust as: 

  • Competence
  • Character
  • Caring
  • Credibility
  • Reliability
  • Intimacy
  • Self-Orientation
  • Integrity
  • Benevolence
  • Ability

These authors point towards the same essential characteristics and requirements of trust. As difficult as it is, I have tried to group these together in a simple explanation:

Communication:

  • Is all about listening as well as sharing
  • As Covey says: “Seek first to understand, and then to be understood”
  • To build trust, it’s necessary to voice your wants, needs, desires and motives. It’s okay to have self-interest, but be open about what those interests are

“intimacy refers to your willingness to share appropriate information about the things that truly matter.”

Diana Gabriel, The 4 Components of Trust

Heart – Intimacy, Benevolence, Compassion & Caring:

  • Trust begins when we are open & transparent – even with ourselves
  • It is recognising my value and the value of others, leading to genuine empathy & understanding
  • Clear & heartfelt commitment to my personal wellbeing and the wellbeing of others
  • Only then can we build trusted relationships

Actions – Consistency & Character:

  • In order to build trust, there has to be congruence and alignment between what I say and do! This applies as much to promises I make to myself as what I promise others.
  • Predictable, reliable, & full of integrity
  • Loyalty, honour & duty
  • Respect and selfless service
  • Oriented to values and the vision – not just selfish interest
  • Clear set of principles, so you can be on the same wavelength
  • Can be counted upon

Ability – Competency & Credibility:

  • Mastery – skilled & knowledgeable
  • Has a domain of expertise and performs their functions well
  • Will speak up and give their point of view on the matter at hand from a point of knowledge
  • Stays current & up to date
  • Self-assured in their competence
  • Demonstrating progress towards goals


Emotional and spiritual healing: rebuilding trust 

When I look back at boarding school and these four qualities of trust, I find those in authority sorely lacking. If they had known better, they would have done better. But they lacked communication skills; they were authoritarian rather than compassionate. When I look at their actions, looking for consistency and character, I find them predictable, but I couldn’t count on them. They were not always congruent in what they said and did, as the rules did not apply equally to all. Perhaps worst of all, they were not skilled and knowledgeable, although they believed themselves to be.

We were left with an expectation of blind faith and trust in authority because the essential elements of a healthy trust were missing.

self-awareness, self awareness, building relationships, trust, authority, blind faith, qualities of trust, communication skills, compassion, consistency, character

Self-awareness

I now recognise that I have a proactive role in building relationships: I listen to the desires of my heart and trust my gut. I stay engaged and curious, rather than withdrawing. Instead of seeing myself as helpless and needing to be rescued, I recognise that I must play a part in building my future.

True faith is an inner alignment with yourself and with God. It’s a balance of trusting the universe to provide and doing your part to co-create with the Creator.

Jim Tolles “The problems with blind faith

Letting the Infinite flow in my life: rebuilding trust

The road back to faith, trust and hope is uneven and rocky. Sometimes, it’s the procession of three steps forward and two steps back as I fall into habitual patterns of blind trust or distrust.

I am learning to communicate and listen. As I consistently practise the presence of the Divine in my life, I hear the small, still voice of Spirit. It requires that I quiet my mind – that I sit in Silence and allow my heart to be still. It’s a daily practice in which my mastery builds up each day.

I have to choose to be open and transparent; it doesn’t happen naturally. There are times I want to shut down, and I have to make a conscious choice to be vulnerable and compassionate. When I commit to building relationships with myself, others, and the Divine, trusting relationships open up for me.

I sit in the Silence each morning to reconnect and refill my heart with the faithful love of Divine Presence, for I trust in Divine Love.
Each morning I listen to how I should walk and allow my Spirit to submit fully to Spirit

Ps. 143: 8

My understanding of what it means to rely on the Divine entirely has changed: it is no longer helplessness. I am not frozen in fear, unable to think logically or approach life with curiosity. I’m not keeping myself safe by being emotionally disengaged or apathetic. Instead, I am choosing to be fully present and connected.

From this place, I still choose trust, faith and hope.

Place your trust in the Eternal; rely on the Divine completely;
never depend upon your own ideas and inventions.
Give the Great Creator the credit for everything you accomplish,
trusting that Divine Love will smooth out and straighten the road that lies ahead.

Prov. 3: 5-6

Other posts your might find interesting on Blind Faith:

Divine Presence, trust, distrust, blind faith, blind trust, rebuilding faith, hope

Life and death are in the power of the tongue, speak life, every cell in your body

Life and death are in the power of the tongue

I’ve been somewhat unsettled in recent weeks hearing masses around the world chanting “I can’t breathe”. I believe in the power of the tongue in creating wellness and illness in our bodies.

I pin my hopes on George receiving justice: what was done to him was an abomination. I firmly believe that the systems that stand in place to perpetuate injustice and prejudice should be exposed and torn away—all the wrongs of those who are silenced and told that their opinions don’t matter.

I wasn’t going to write this post. This has been sitting in my drafts for two weeks. Not my place to comment. I didn’t want to be one to criticise.

But does holding back my voice not make me part of the problem, rather than contributing to a solution? So, let me say this clearly:

I am horrified by the continued use of the slogan”I can’t breathe“.

On the one hand, it’s great for the media. On the other hand, do those chanting it consider the double-edged sword it can be for their health?

Words spoken by masses with strong emotions: powerful stuff.

Calling into existence that which is spoken.

The question is: what does it create?

What spells are we casting?

We laugh at “abracadabra” – but many believe that the word actually has meaning and power.

Scholars who support the Hebrew etymology say that abracadabra is a corruption of the Hebrew, ebrah k’dabri, meaning “I will create as I speak,” ie that the act of speech will magically create new realities. … the words and letters of the Hebrew alphabet have the power to create.

Abracadabra, https://www.thejc.com/judaism/jewish-words/abracadabra-1.466709

life and death, Every cell in your body is eavesdropping on your thoughts & words, i can't breathe, #icantbreathe, united we stand, we can do it

Similarly, you may scoff at those that use affirmations and recite promises to themselves or God, claiming a blessing or healing.

But what if words and thoughts and emotions do have power?

This is particularly true of words spoken full of emotion.

What if I can’t breathe has power?

The first reference I can find to this slogan arises in late 2014, shortly after the asphyxiation of Eric Gardner by a police officer. His last words “I can’t breathe”, were raised like a mantra in the protests that followed in New York City.

“There was this quote staring me in the face, and that’s something that should be the quote of the year,” Shapiro recalled.
So the Yale Law Library’s associate director and lecturer revised his 2014 list, placing “I can’t breathe” in the top slot. His widely cited annual list, which is intended to capture the political and cultural mood of the country each year, serves as a supplement to “The Yale Book of Quotations,” originally published in 2006.

‘I can’t breathe.’ Eric Garner’s last words are 2014’s most notable quote, according to a Yale librarian

Unfortunately, when I took a quick look at the 2014-15 flu deaths for that same period, there was a small spike – from the usual 36,000 a year up to 51,000. Mere coincidence? Quite likely. There are probably a million factors that played a part in the increase. Again in 2017, when the book “I can’t breathe” by Matt Kaibbi comes out, and Queen Ifrica publishes her song “I can’t breathe”: we get another spike up to 61,000 flu deaths. Probably irrelevant.

However, at this moment in history, following on the heels of mass sickness caused by a little-studied virus, we have angry crowds chanting “I can’t breathe”. We have media pushing fear and uncertainty. We have politicians using fear for personal safety and security for their platforms and personal gain.

So, if our words do have power and every cell of our body is eavesdropping on our thoughts, emotions and words – recreating what we declare into existence – how important then are the words that we choose to chant in protest?

Justice for George becomes much more powerful than I can’t breathe if we believe that we have a hand in creating an outcome!

every cell in your body is eavesdropping on what you think, say, do and feel

Every cell in your body is eavesdropping.

In the same way that our mind is aware of everything that goes on in our body, our body and cells are listening and experiencing our thoughts, emotions and words. Unfortunately, our body takes those thoughts, emotions and words literally.

Our cells don’t differentiate when we are protesting from when we are having a phone call or merely meditating alone. Your body experiences your thoughts, emotions and words as they are. You can’t tell your body “I was just joking”.

Like a child that doesn’t understand sarcasm, our body responds to what was said and doesn’t take a joke. It takes everything we feel, say and think quite seriously.

In many different teachings, we find the effects of emotions on our organs:

  • anger: affects the liver
  • fear: affects the kidneys
  • grief: weakens the lungs
  • worry: affects the stomach
  • stress: wreaks havoc on your heart and mind

Examine, for a moment, how your words spoken with emotion are affecting different parts of your body.

Consider your inner child and the children around you:

We all have the voice of an inner critic stuck in our heads – and quite often it’s the voice of a parent, teacher or someone we respected or feared as a child. The voice that our child hears now is the voice that will become their inner critic in the future.

Do we want our children to have an inner voice that says “I can’t breathe”?

consider the impact of words on children

What are our children hearing and experiencing in the chants and protests? How are we explaining the situation to them? What conversations do we have that allow understanding, compassion and wisdom to guide the experience?

Consider a child: how do you build them up after you’ve stripped them down with words said in anger? Think for a moment about any relationship where words have been spoken in anger: if you don’t move past the hatred into love, understanding and acceptance, what footing is your relationship on?

The protests in Panama are not about Black Lives Matter: they are about the lock-down and people going hungry. I have it so much easier in what I have to explain! But I still have to explain to my daughter the images, emotions and even violence that she is witnessing if she catches the news.

At the same time, I explain how incredible our bodies and immune systems are! I talk about how we eat, and even how our emotions and thoughts can help us stay healthy and strong. I check myself any time I notice that I am feeling fearful or anxious: careful not to stuff it down but to release it. I don’t need my daughter to latch onto my fear or anxiety!

In the same way, I have to relate and quieten that inner child of my own: that part of me that feels insecure in any way.

Philippians 4:8, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things.

The power of your thoughts

Your thoughts influence your words and your actions. Long before you choose to do something, you have probably considered it multiple times.

Think, for a moment, about words that you spoke to someone in anger. How many times had you thought that before you actually said it? Then, in a moment of rage and slightly out of control (or perhaps in control but no caring about the consequences) you actually said what you’ve been thinking for a while. You voiced how you truly felt. Maybe it wasn’t the whole picture. But it started with thoughts that you have mulled over.

Consider the effect of thinking “I can’t breathe”, with all the nuances that it carries. Perhaps one of those nuances is that the system is unjust and doesn’t allow you to speak your mind.

If you regularly think “the system is unjust”, are you motivated to change it? Or do you get caught in a feeling of hopelessness? Notice the difference between thinking “I can participate in changing this unjust system” versus thinking “the system is unjust”.

Have you noticed how all your thoughts influence your emotions and your words? If your thoughts control your actions, then they have a role to play in creating your future! The action you take has a direct impact on your results.

The power of our emotions when mixed with words.

Our words are so much more powerful when they are spoken with emotion. It doesn’t matter if you are creating and destroying.

Anger at injustice can provide us with the strength and courage to embark on a journey that we might otherwise never take. Unfortunately, anger can also eat us up on the inside if we bottle it up, rather than channelling and releasing it.

Before becoming a bitter person: this was probably an angry person. Over time, the fire of the anger dies down, but the embers continue to burn within. The dissatisfaction and discontent are still there, unresolved. After the explosion of rage burnt out, bitter ashes and disillusion are left.

When we start a journey to transform our community, we may embark on it out of anger and frustration at the current situation. It is terrific to shout out to the world:

This is wrong! Wrongs must be righted!

"Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that LOVES you."
“Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that LOVES you.” https://twitter.com/apocalynds/status/1269711325749563399

But at some moment, love and compassion for our community need to replace that anger against the aggressors as the driving force of change. When we fail to recognise that our passion is driven by love and stay only in the rage, we miss an opportunity to grown in greater love and compassion.

Revolutions begin in angry protest and perhaps even rioting but have to end in love and compassion to build!

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Make sure your thoughts, emotions & words serve your goals.

I love that injustice has awoken people to stand up and make a difference in their worlds. But if I could ask just one thing, it would be this:

Choose your words carefully, especially those spoken with emotion.

I want to hear the masses chanting:

Justice for George!
We can do it!
United we stand.
Black lives matter!

Fighting for justice!
We stand for justice.
We demand justice!

Respect me.
My voice matters!

I’m sure you could make a better list of powerful statements that could create change, without cursing your body or those supporting you.

And when we are done tearing down what no longer serves us, let’s build communities of compassion, love and kindness. Communities that are safe for our children, and that allow us to learn what it means to love our neighbour as ourselves.

Your words can either speak life, or your words can speak death. Our tongues can build others up, or they can tear them down

Life & death are in the power of the tongue.

Prov. 18: 21

pay attention, words, sight, heart, health, guard your heart, bring healing, tongue of the wise, as a man thinks, so is he, a cheerful heart, good medicine,

If I look to Proverbs for Wisdom, these are but a few of the reminders about the power of our thoughts, emotions and words:

Proverbs 12:18
The tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 23:7
As a man thinks, so is he.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:20-22
My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body.

Proverbs 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Generational trauma, generational curses, how to heal the past with love, using forgiveness to break the cycle, breaking the cycles, epigenetics, how trauma is passed through your genes, reap what you sow, nature or nurture, learned behaviour, mental illness, depression, stress, anxiety, low cortisol levels, insecurity, neurobiology, the sins of the fathers, acknowledgement, awareness, acceptance, forgiveness and release, learning a new way, break the cycle, it didn't start with you, ptsd, chronic pain syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression and anxiety, neuroscience, physiological change, evolution

Generational Trauma: How to heal the past with love

I recently read and posted this comment, reflecting on how 2019 has been the best worst year of my life… or possibly the worst best year of my life. I haven’t quite made up my mind which it is!

Some of you are breaking generational curses and you don’t even know it. That’s why your attack has been so hard.

Unknown

And how it has felt like a struggle this year, but in a great way. I know I have done some deep healing work and growth, but it has also felt dark and dirty. Like weeding the garden – you get sweaty, dirty and now there’s gunk under my nails that doesn’t want to simply wash off!

Part of me, the part that grew up as a missionary kid, automatically hears in my head those verses from Exodus, Numbers & Deuteronomy:

Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me

Deuteronomy 5:9

Of course, with modern psychology and even neuroscience, we begin to understand a new application of what happens. There is nature and there is nurture – what we inherit through our genes and biologically, as well as what we learn from our parents, grandparents and community as we grow up.

Earlier this year, I was working with a few girlfriends, addressing some of those generational issues that were coming up and keeping us stuck – visiting the experiences of our parents and grandparents and forgiving them or those that had harmed them. It felt dark and intense. But very liberating as well.

Consider these 2 examples:

Case 1: 1874

In 1874, the New York State Prison Board discovered that they have 6 members of the same family locked up at the same time. Mere coincidence? Looking back, all the way to 1720, they found a town trouble-maker and his less-than-lovely wife, who had 6 daughters and two sons. From those, by 1874, they had 1200 descendants.

  • 310 were homeless
  • 180 had drug or alcohol abuse problems
  • 160 were involved in prostitution
  • 150 had spent time in prison, 7 for murder

Case #2: 1874

Nonetheless, another couple, going back to 1703 had 11 children. His name was Jonathan Edwards, and as a family man and caring for his education, he went on to be the President of Princeton University. By 1874, they had 1400 descendants.

  • 13 college presidents
  • 65 university professors
  • 100 lawyers and 32 state judges
  • 85 authors
  • 80 politicians, including 3 state governors, 3 senators, and 1 President
  • 66 doctors

Is this nature?
Is it nurture?
Or perhaps a mix of both?

generational curses, generational trauma, epigenetics

Generational trauma & the study of epigenetics

Some of the most interesting work that is being done at the moment is in epigenetics, cellular biology, and neurobiology. In mice, the effects of trauma on the DNA and gene sequencing can be seen for up to 14 generations. But, on a more tangible level, we have scientists like Dr. Rachel Yehuda, from Mt. Sinai Medical in New York, studying the effects of trauma and PTSD on the children and grandchildren of those who suffered in the holocaust. The effects of the stress and trauma can be transmitted biologically up to three generations.

Similarly, we see the effects on the human body of those who have suffered through famine or war and political unrest. Have you dug deeper into your family tree and had a good look at the biological and environmental factors that affected your childhood, your parents and your grandparents? What stories did you hear? Or perhaps, more importantly, what stories would they refuse to speak of?

We read in the Bible that we reap what we sow… but sometimes we reap what others have sowed… and worse yet, sometimes we reap what others have been the victim of! Sometimes the changes in genetic traits works in our favours, and sometimes it might be considered a flaw. We might inherit genes for strength or we might be prone to certain syndromes or diseases.

Just remember this: when your grandmother was pregnant with your mum, you were there as an embryo experiencing the world. Of course, biology allows us to know that at the moment of inception, a “cleaning” takes place, which for the most part should take care of most of those “anomalies”. But that’s not always the case.

The vestiges of the US Civil War

Furthermore, as studies of the sons of men from the Civil War exhibited, there are also experiences that were specifically transferred down through the Y chromosome (only to the sons and not to the daughters). Whether it was the stress or the malnutrition that the father’s suffered is not yet known, but without a doubt, the sons of those who had been in prison camps died younger than those who were not prisoners.

Without a doubt, trauma in previous generations can alter genes and their expression in future generations. The reason (the story) for the trauma gets lots, but the behaviours and the symptoms are passed down. Our bodies, in order to manage stress, make a physiological change. Unfortunately, when the conditions for the next generation are not the same, these changes may not be for their benefit. But the evolution has occurred.

Nurture – the cycles of behaviour we learn

The same way that part of the trauma is stored and handled genetically, there are also many coping mechanisms that are behaviour and habits. Dysfunctional families breed dysfunctional adults. We are the product of our childhood upbringing and our socialisation.

So, even when there were experiences we had as a child – behaviour and responses that we swore we would never repeat when we had children of our own – unless we have done the healing work, we will run down the easiest neural pathway to the very same response. Whether we like it or not, how we were raised shapes our reactions, responses and attitudes.

  • Children raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflict.
  • Boys who witness domestic violence are three times more likely to become batterers.
  • Children of alcoholics have a fourfold risk of becoming an alcoholic than someone who comes from a family of non-alcoholics.

You learned so much by simply watching others – even unconsciously:

  • how to eat
  • how to cope with stress
  • how to do marriage or relationships
  • what to do with your anger.

Have you taken the time to give serious thought to your life generationally?

The trauma embedded in your family line

Take a moment to look at yourself, your parents and your grandparents. Look wider at your cousins, aunties and uncles. What do you see of:

  • mental illness
  • drug addiction or substance abuse
  • codependency or enabling
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • stress
  • anger

When you see it all – as a single, big picture – can you get an idea of the importance of breaking the cycle?

If you were to shake the family tree – what skeletons fall out? What is hiding in the closets?

If you don’t deal with

  • the weight and obesity issue;
  • the debt and overspending;
  • anxiety and stress;
  • anger;
  • depression;
  • insecurity; or
  • drug addiction and substance abuse,

Those very same issues will be for your children to handle. They will face the same patterns and choices.

The traumas that are not healed in your generation will be for the next generation to heal and work through.

The path of healing

So, how do we get there? If you want for the buck to stop here – how do you make sure that you are the generation that changes the situation for the future?

Acknowledgement and awareness

It all starts with awareness. You cannot teach what you don’t know – so first, you have to become aware. This comes from evaluating your thoughts and feelings. It also comes from educating yourself – through personal development and self-improvement.

Through looking at what you want to be and then measuring yourself up to that model. For me, I would like to be able to say I am compassionate, creative and courageous. How do I measure up to this standard? I recently wrote about being an angry woman, and the healing that has to happen as I work my way through that!

what I know, I know that I know, what I don't know, learning and growth

Acceptance & ownership

Unfortunately, what you resist, persists. When you fail to acknowledge those thoughts and feelings – “I shouldn’t feel this way” and “I shouldn’t be thinking that”, you cannot change the pattern.

After the awareness, you have to own it – as yours. “This is what I feel”. You don’t have to agree with it or like it. Once you’ve swallowed it down and allowed yourself to digest it, then you can do something with it.

Just take ownership – “These are my thoughts, feelings and actions – and because they are mine, they are mine to change!”

Be the one in your family that was brave enough to do the dirty work of cleansing and healing!

Using forgiveness and release

When we go back to the root of the issue, we go back to that event in the past, and have a new experience of it with forgiveness and releasing the past. You will need a powerful experience to release the trauma, to override the trauma response in you.

When I was doing some of this work earlier this year, I came face-to-face with one of my survival mechanisms. When I feel attacked, I want to shoot someone. Now, to my rational mind, that makes absolutely no sense. I obviously don’t want to shoot someone. How could I possibly want to do that?

But my first thoughts always turn to “just shoot them down”. Sometimes I would literally do it verbally – destroy them with my tongue. But in my mind, the image I had included guns.

When I went into the forgiveness work with Sarah and Sharon, I realised my granddad was a rear gunner (or tail gunner) in WWII. If you know anything about that, it was the least likely position to survive.

This is what the tail of a Lancaster bomber could look like upon arriving home:

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/2d/a0/36/2da0369c0180b821c83f3449ee194614–bombers-air-force.jpg

But my granddad did survive and came home. He never – that I ever remember – spoke about his days in the war. He would remember his pilot and members of his crew fondly, but never told a single war story that I will ever recall. And as I did the work with Sharon & Sarah, I realised how good he must have been as a gunner to have survived so many battles. How many planes did he shoot down, so that he and his crew could make it back alive? He must have been a really good shot to have made it out alive.

Wellington Bomber, rear gunner
This is the kind of plane he flew in (photo of a print I have on my wall)

I sat with that deep sadness and guilt. And I realised why my survival instinct was “let’s just shoot them down”, but I’m not in that position.

I don’t actually need to shoot anyone down in order to survive:
Not with my mouth.
Not in my thoughts.

In my world, I can choose to be kind and compassionate.

So, I worked through forgiving the powers that were that started the war and put my granddad in a position where he had to shoot others down in order to survive. I forgave my granddad for all those people whose lives he’d taken in order to get home to my grandmother and mum alive. And I forgave myself for those crazy, irrational thoughts that I had carried around in my head for as long as I could remember, recognising them for what they were.

I then finally able to forgive myself for all the times I had shot others down with my tongue, tearing them apart with my words.

Yesterday, I discovered that a guy called Mark Wolynn has written a book called “It didn’t start with you: how inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle“. I’m definitely adding that to my reading list for January! Maybe I’m already doing the work – but perhaps there’s so much more that I could be doing.

Learning a new way

Breaking the cycle of generational trauma starts with acknowledging that you have a choice. That in that space that exists between stimulus and response, you can breathe. That space is yours.

It takes practice. You will need patience and understanding. Show yourself some compassion and mercy, because there will be mistakes along the way.

But you can – single-handedly – break this cycle, one decision at a time. You can choose what tools and support you need. Perhaps you need faith and a spiritual understanding, to reach out to a friend, a coach or a mentor, and in some cases, you might even need therapy.

But each day is a choice that allows the generational curses to be broken.

Because the buck stops here – in the worst best year of my life!

the road to healing, healing and gratitude, the ten lepers, giving thanks, returning to community, healing miracles, immediate healing, true healing, emotional and spiritual healing, receiving blessings, connecting with spiritual power, expressing gratitude

Seven lessons in presence, healing and gratitude

Today’s story comes from Luke 17:11-19. This is one of those passages that has academics debating whether or not it happened.

But does it really matter whether or not it happened as Luke presents it?

“Stories can be true without being literally and factually true.”

― Marcus J. Borg, The Heart of Christianity

Here, I’m not going to delve into the factual inconsistencies – but rather focus on the Truth that we can discover through the story of ten lepers healed.

Only one came back to say thank you.

My first question to myself is one of simple awareness in my every day life: If I receive ten miracles, did I only notice and give thanks for one of them?

How aware are you of the miracles you experience each day?

Seven lessons from Luke

But lets dive in, deeper, to the lessons available to us from the story Luke shares of the ten lepers.

The Divine meets us where we are

#1 – The Divine meets us where we are:

We are told that Jesus is travelling to Jerusalem, and somewhere crossing from Galilee into Samaria, he comes upon a village with ten lepers.

What strikes me about this – God always meets us where we are! The road to healing starts where we are. While we might feel distant from the Divine, we can breathe in the life of the Divine at any time.

We simply need to open our eyes to see that the Divine has already arrived.

#2 – Being lepers – they were taught to keep their distance

In what ways have you been told to keep your distance – that you cannot come close, that you are unworthy? Perhaps you’ve been told that you are unclean and not worthy of being part of society, or the Church, or your family.

For whatever reason, on whatever scale, you are keeping your distance. You are standing far off.

For some people, this happens because they learned that they must earn everything – and if you don’t have “everything” – it’s because you are obviously not “enough”.

  • Perhaps, it’s because you can’t stop smoking
  • You’re normal, but “different”
  • You’re the black sheep of your family
  • You allowed yourself to be rejected, cheated on, led on, and/or played – not once, but many times. How could you possibly not have learned the lessons yet?
  • You’re gay
  • Your life is a mess – you haven’t got a job or you are struggling to make ends meet
  • You’ve made a huge mistake, and feel that you can’t forgive yourself.
  • You’re exhausted and burnt out – you just can’t keep holding it all together.
  • You dropped the ball, and now everyone is blaming you.
  • You’re failing at being a model citizen / model mother / model father / model son/daughter
  • You’ve become a human doing, rather than a human being – and you’re afraid that if you stop doing, other will cease to appreciate you
  • You are suffering from anxiety, depression, deep grief and sadness – and you feel like you cannot move on, while everyone else is expecting you to just get over it.

Perhaps it’s even an illness, like an auto-immune disease, that others cannot easily see the symptoms of. Maybe you have suffered a trauma, and you are a survivor of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, that has lead to depression, anxiety or PTSD. Or you might have suffered a debilitating injury that you feel keeps you separate from the world.

Whatever it is that plagues you, you get caught in a vicious cycle that ultimately leads to self-loathing, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, apathy, and sadness. Like the lepers, you feel disconnected, alienated, separate, and alone.

And so, even when the Divine is present, you keep your distance.

Even when the Divine is present, you keep your distance

#3 The lepers called out – asking for mercy

When we turn to the Divine, when we ask for mercy, we may be healed immediately. Mercy is the Christlike treatment of suffering – the true overcoming of the pain and separation.

It’s interesting to note that they did not ask for healing – to be restored to their original purity or integrity – but only for treatment of their suffering.

Consider, for a moment, how many times, instead of asking for a complete healing, have you simply asked for an end of the suffering – the pain and separation?

Rather than daring to believe that you can be returned to wholeness and integrity – it would be just enough if this didn’t hurt any more! Could you dare to believe and hope in more than just less pain and suffering?

Could you dare to have faith that you might be whole?

#4 The Divine response: end your isolation

The first step, of course, in the healing process is to believe (something that happens on the emotional and mental level), and from there you open up to receiving the stream of healing life. But we have to exercise our faith, using our words and actions, so that the work is manifest and accomplished in our lives.

The true healing – the receiving of the blessings – takes place when the lepers end their isolation by returning to their community.

The Divine response – go and show yourselves to the priests – rejoin your community, there is no reason to keep your distance and be isolated. On the one level, if we see the priests as a metaphor for that place between the spiritual and the material worlds – we are also being told to reconnect the spiritual and physical.

“Go to the priests” is another way of saying – make a connection with the healing power of the Divine – connect your material situation with the spiritual aspects of life.

On a pragmatic level, as leprosy was a common disease, especially among the poor, it was left to the priests to decide whether the victims actually had leprosy or some minor skin disease. But only the priests could pronounce a leper clean, re-establishing their ability to rejoin community life.

The command to show themselves to the priests was confirmation of their healing – that they would receive permission to rejoin their community and end their isolation.

In what ways does your healing journey require that you end your isolation?

end your isolation, return to your community,

#5 Action required – faith is more than believing

It was only as the lepers went – as they exercised their faith in movement and action – that they became clean. Luke tells us “while still on their way”.

In what areas of your life have you asked I AM for a miracle, received a response of inspired action, and then sat waiting for your miracle to happen without actually moving your feet?

When you pray, move your feet.

African Proverb

When you sit in the silence of prayer and the presence of the Divine, when you hear the still, small voice of Spirit – receiving an instruction of inspired action – now it falls on you to take action.

You have to move.

Go.

The miracle happened for the lepers because they acted on their faith. They couldn’t immediately see the results of their request coming to fruition – it was as they were on their way to the priests that the healing occurred.

Where in your life have you received the answer and you’re still stuck – sitting still – waiting for the miracle to happen before you move?

Take a moment to recognise that sometimes healing miracles happen when you step forward in faith. Perhaps you can only see one step ahead – you only know the next right step.

Take that step.

#6 An act of gratitude

Following on in the story of the lepers, we then read that one of them turned back, once he realised he had been healed, to show his gratitude and acknowledgement of the source of his healing experience.

This was not about acknowledging Jesus, the man, but the source of his healing – the Divine. We read that he knelt in gratitude, and praised God.

Once again, it is interesting to note that the man who is grateful is a Samaritan – a foreigner, an outsider. This leaves us believing that the other nine were Jewish, belongers, with families and communities that they were in a hurry to return to.

For me, the lesson here is to celebrate the victories – taking a moment for gratitude. Before you rush back into your responsibilities – your family, your community, or even your chores – when you experience a miracle, no matter how small – take a moment to acknowledge it!

Perhaps you have a gratitude practice that you do at the end of each day – or maybe you take a moment at each meal to give thanks. But get in the habit, as small miracles and victories happen in your life – to acknowledge them and especially to acknowledge the Source of all: the allness of Good.

But get in the habit, as small miracles and victories happen in your life - to acknowledge them and especially to acknowledge the Source of all: the allness of Good.

#7 Total healing includes being grateful for the miracle – then spiritual healing occurs

The story finishes with Jesus asking, after the one man has returned:

“Were not ten healed? Where are the nine? Can none be found to come back and give glory to God except this outsider?”

How often is it that it’s an “outsider” that really sees the truth, not those that are the closest to the truth? But the emotional and spiritual healing that was available, when this man acknowledged the source of his healing and miracle, was a making whole.

Healing is to make hale, sound or whole: to restore to original purity or integrity. It is to return us to perfect connection and Oneness with the Divine.

We are told that the tenth man is not only healed, but also “saved” – in the sense of a full connecting with the spiritual power of the Divine. He receives a double miracle – not just the physical healing and wholeness, but also a faith renewed that allows him to see the Divine within.

What miracles are in store for you when you connect with the Source of All – when you recognise that I AM is always near and available for you, as the source of all you are and can be?

Today you have an invitation to end the separation and isolation, and become whole and perfect.